Wanderlust
by Iron Horsecock
Summary: When his father offers to pay for his education in one of the most prestigious universities in the galaxy, Joshua Hyss agrees to see what the galaxy has to offer. He soon finds himself in a bubbling social pot of eccentric teachers, diverse classmates, crazy field trips, and unlikely friends. Sometimes high education is not just books and lectures. Hell, it almost never is.
Chapter I - E for Elephant

Have you ever seen american football? I have, on several occasions. My dad took me to multisport stadiums on Tayseri Ward, but I didn't really get the point of it. I still don't, even though I did research on it in school. Apparently, there is a nation on Terra called "America" and a kind of a team sport was invented there. Two teams of strong young people try to take a ball from each other and carry it to opposite sides of the playing field, or something. I have never really liked team sports, so I just forgot everything I found out about it. Until today, that is.

Have you ever seen krogans play american football? Have you ever seen a dozen of armored lizards run into each other with screams of blood rage and collide with force enough to bend metal beams? The moment I saw and heard it, I knew that this was the true spirit of team sports. It's dull and pointless, but let krogans play it... Hell, a pair of krogans would make a game of checkers exciting.

"Mr. Hyss?" The overseer said, snapping me back to reality. I looked away from the field and tried to block the roars of rage and impacts of flesh and bone. A mature-looking asari, probably a matron, looked at me, beckoning to follow her. "You will have plenty of time to get familiar with on- and off-campus activities and liberties, but right now is not the most opportune moment."

Why is it that the asari always get the jobs that involve talking to people or entertaining them? Asari are natural psychics, but I can't imagine a human or a turian not being able to gather freshmen from spaceports and escort them to their dorms, like I was at the moment being escorted to mine.

I was somewhat excited about this. Wanderlust is a lush world with few and far between settlements, each a jewel. Near one of them lies one of the most prestigious universities in the galaxy, Wanderlust Uni. Unlike any other, its courses, activities, and even dwelling arrangements are tailored to encourage as much interspecies communication as possible. It's an expensive place to study, a degree obtained in it would make any employer impressed, and the experience itself is told to be a time one never ever forgets.

At least, that's what the advertisement said.

There are ways, of course, to get a scholarship that covers all tuition fees, but it was nearly impossible to apply for, let alone qualify and actually have it. I wouldn't know just how exactly nearly impossible, though. My father shelled out a full one-time payment that would cover all expenses, so I'd be free from all the financial hassle. It was one of the reasons I agreed to study there in the first place.

Initially, after I finished school in Citadel, I was set on serving in Alliance Military. My long-cherished dream of being an infiltrator and toppling criminal syndicates with a single whisper was just an enlisting officer away after I turned eighteen, but for my father.

I have to say, I respect my father, and he respects me and my decisions a great deal too. So, two years ago, when he said "absolutely not" after I told him that I was going to enlist, I felt more baffled than angry.

"Why?" I asked after a moment, dumbfounded.

"Are you insane? You're seventeen, and you already feel so dissatisfied with your life that you're ready to throw it away?" He ran his hand through his hair. "I don't care what you do after you graduate, but not that. Military life is hell, and the benefits are, well, as far as I know, there are virtually none. Are you that much of a patriot?"

"I just wanna do it because I wanna. I am ready to overcome anything if it means I'll become a badass Alliance commander. There is no rational reason for it, it's just my dream, you know?" It was extremely hard to explain, but I didn't really have to.

"Ah, I see. Too many vidgames when you were younger?" He smiled. "Tell you what, Josh. I have a counter-proposition. I wanted to run it by you anyway sometime later, but it seems like 'later' is too late." He got up from his chair and started pacing across the room in front of the huge window. My eighteenth birthday was two weeks away from that moment, so, I imagine, I really rustled his feathers. "How would you like to go to a university?"

"Dad, I told you..."

"No, just hear me out." He raised his hand and I shut up. "There is one university I've had my eye on for a long time. The corp is a major investor, so I know what's up over there. It's not like the universities here on the Citadel. I think you should go there, get a degree, see the world, get to know people. This particular university is just perfect for that. After you get a little more experience under your belt, you might change your opinion on Alliance. Or, if you don't, your degree will help you in your service, because educated specialists are in high demand there. How would you like that?"

I pondered that for a moment. Actually, I liked this idea, because seeing the world was another dream of mine, but it sort of followed the service in Alliance. I knew that spaceside soldiers were usually stationed all over. Dad was right, he always was, but a part of me still wanted to resist.

"But how can I afford it? I know all of the decent universities charge insane credits," I asked, grasping for the last chance I had to win this argument.

"You can't, not in this decade." He laughed a little and ran his hand through his hair again. "But I can, and I will pay for it."

"But why? It's not like you to give me handouts." It wasn't indeed. I had to earn my spending money. Can't say I was always happy with that, but that house rule did help me in the long run.

"I want you to be as smart as you can get, and you know that. I think I have to send you off the Citadel for a while. You need to see more cultures, more customs, you have to understand the diversity and become a part of it. It's harder to do so on the Citadel, because here the cultural diversity is artificial, and the races are just as divided as anywhere else." He looked directly into my eyes, which was a dirty trick he used when he wanted to be persuasive. "And I know just the place. I'm sure you'll like it there."

"What is it? Maybe I've heard of it." I may have. The main topic of discussions between youngsters like me in high schools was who was going to apply where and how fancy it was. I've heard stories about dozens of different colleges and universities. I wonder what dad would-

"Wanderlust." Dad said with a smile.

"What?!" If I had a cup of tea right now, I would've spilled it.

And that was that.

While I was reminiscing, we have arrived to the dormitory's doorstep. The asari overseer typed something on her omni-tool. "Now we part ways, Mr. Hyss. We have assigned you to a mixed dormitory, as per your father's request. Your dormitory's overseer will come and escort you to your room shortly."

"Is there more than one dorm?" I asked, eyeing a residential building of pretty big proportions. Its walls were covered with light brown plastic, and the windows were very different in shapes, sizes and colors. Probably its rooms were different to adjust to different species' needs. I wonder how much credits it took to build this place. Suddenly the monstrous tuition started to make sense.

"Of course. We have a mixed dormitory, a strictly male dormitory and a strictly female dormitory. Some cultures our students come from do not permit different sexes living with each other. That is, if they decide to obey those rules. Would you like to choose a male-only dorm?"

"No, thanks, I think I'll manage."

"Good. Just respect your neighbors and everything will be fine." She looked up at the sky. "It's going to be a great day today. I suggest you go for a walk and get acquainted with the campus and its inhabitants."

"But first you should meet your roommate," a low voice said from behind us. A tall turian in an unzipped sleeveless vest came up from behind us and smiled. I was pretty surprised to see a turian sporting such open clothing, but then again, Citadel fashion was weird. His arms were long and knotty, which, I suppose, meant that he was strong and muscular. I'm not sure how turian muscles work, but the way the asari looked at him probably meant that he was handsome. I kinda wished anybody would look at me that way from time to time.

Now, when I said that the turian smiled, I, of course, didn't mean that he made that C-shape with his lips that many other species are capable of. For one, turians don't even have lips. They do smile, just not with their mouths. When turians feel pleased or amused, they emit a metallic-sounding purr from their chest, much like the low-frequency undertone of their voices. They raise their heads and look at you as if from above, a gesture that humans can sometimes perceive as one of rudeness and oppression. This has lead to misunderstandings in the past. Many turians also cross arms as a sign of friendliness. Apparently, a turian can strike from any position, no matter how relaxed and peaceful it looks, so they cross arms on their chest as a way of telling their mates that they are not going to attack no matter what, since it's difficult with one's arms interlocked. I don't know, I still don't fully understand their body language, even though I have spent a lot of time with them on the Citadel. In retrospect, father was right, as usual.

So the turian crossed his arms and looked at me from above, his impressive height emphasising the point. I'm no shortstack, but he made me feel really insecure about my size. Must have been at least two meters high. He purred at me, which sent little chills down my spine. You can't get rid of your genetic memory no matter how hard you try. Turians were predators, and some ancient part of my brain perceived him as a threat. With my peripheral vision, I noticed the asari overseer watching me intently. Some ancient part of my brain or not, I was a civilized being, and I was expected to overcome my natural barriers.

"Hello." I matched his posture, crossing my arms and raising my head almost vertically. "I'm sorry, I'm not sure how to properly greet turians."

A short laugh escaped him, and his side-face-plate-cheek-whatever-things extended, baring his side rows of teeth. That put me at ease. Laughter was universal, for some reason. Only the hanar and the elcor did not laugh. The volus claimed they never did, but I'm pretty sure I've heard a group of those little bastards guffawing heartily after they saw somebody lose their credit chit. More than once, in fact.

He extended his arm towards me, and I shook it. His three long fingers felt really weird, they were warm and leathery, and they wrapped my hand almost completely, with some length to spare. I didn't know how many joints exactly there were in turian fingers, but they could bend like a rope. A metallic talon at the end of his thumb was painted in pearlescent purple that matched his face paint. "Don't worry about it. A turian that would require a formal greeting would probably not accept it from a human anyway." He laughed again. "You seem tense. Relax, I'm not going to eat you." Thanks for clarification, Mr. Predator. "I'm Cerinx. What's your name?"

Cerinx. I have to remember that. "Joshua."

"Joshua? Uhhh, Joshua Hyss, right?" He consulted a list on his omni-tool.

"Yes, that's me." I hope I can get me one of those soon! Omni-tools are great, but all I could afford was a smart-comm. It was a nice piece of technology integrated into my non-invasively augmented right hand. Smart-comms let me stay connected to the web, use personal terminals from afar and there are a lot of games for them too. But it wasn't an omni-tool. Even civilian ones had much more juice and miscellaneous features, such as flashlights or omni-gel dispensers. I doubt an omni-tool would even fit into what little modificational space my aug-hand allowed.

"Okay, good. Follow me, and we'll get you settled in. Uh, is that all your luggage?" He eyed my single suitcase and an old-fashioned backpack.

"Yes. I assume I'll have time for shopping here?" I knew I would, but it wouldn't hurt to check with the authorities, so to speak. I had trouble perceiving the easygoing turian as a figure of authority.

"Of course! Though things are a bit pricier here than elsewhere," he replied and strode towards the building, waving me to follow him. I thanked the asari for getting me here and jogged after him. He was already through the door.

"Eye candy," he said, as I caught up with him. "Ain't she?"

"The asari?" I asked. We went into a corridor that ended with a staircase, ignoring the elevator just next to the security booth. I got the feeling that Cerinx wanted to have a lengthy talk.

"Yeah. Only watch your back around her. She's a strong biotic, and if you ever get in a fight she'll have to break up, you'll get more than a few bumps."

"Are fights common here?" I asked, looking at doors we were passing. There were all kinds of muffled sounds behind them, from music to monotonous chanting.

"Well, not really, but they aren't prohibited, so you might end up in one sooner or later." He chuckled. "Don't worry about it. Just don't be an asshole to others and you'll do fine. Fights are just one of many ways of dealing with stress and people you don't like. We believe that intercultural communication can't be regulated by laws and rules. It's up to you to fit in. Our general guideline is to be acceptive of others and to respect their freedoms, while gently asserting your own. In other words, as I've said, don't be an asshole. People here come from very different worlds, so occasional misunderstandings happen all the time. Don't be afraid to ask questions. Don't be surprised when not everybody wants to be your friend either. You'll figure it out, because you're here, and we don't accept just anybody." We reached the stairs. "Now, you get to choose if you'd like to live with one of your own kind, or with someone of different species."

I thought about it for a while. Living with an alien sounded a bit scary, but that was a perfect opportunity to get to know them in a comfortable environment and to study their day-to-day. "Get me someone different. But only if they're nice."

The turian smiled, but this time it was a parody of a human smile: he bared his teeth and lowered his... For the sake of simplicity, I'll call them side-jaws. So he lowered his side-jaws and thus exposed his teeth, the full set. It looked sort of terrifying, but endearing. "Great! I know just the guy. This way!" I followed him up to the third floor. "You can ask us overseers anything, you know. We're here to provide support and... Something else, whatever. Just find my office on the first floor, or chat me up on the net. I'll reply, if I'm not sleeping."

I asked immediately. "Why the human mannerisms?"

"Some of them are convenient, some are fun. I know a lot of things about a lot of different species. Just don't ask me to pout like a quarian."

I smiled too. Things were looking up. I had been nervous on my way here, but Cerinx seemed like a chill guy. The rules, which I studied from their extranet site, weren't strict at all, so I was very unlikely to get in trouble with the overseers. The only bad thing I could foresee and worry about was that my neighbor would be a volus.

I really, really dislike the volus. They laughed at me when I dropped my credit chit.

"Here we are. Who do you think your neighbor is?" He stopped in front of a room. The door was engraved with a fluorescent 321. Good, easy to remember.

"I don't know, but I hope it's a pretty asari."

"Keep dreaming, Josh, keep dreaming." He knocked. After a second or two the door opened and he barged in.

I immediately noticed how big the hallway was. You could easily park a skycar there. The wardrobe near the door was also huge, twice as tall as me and four times as wide.

"Oopa! Oopa! I got you a present, Oopa!" The turian called. He was visibly enjoying it very much.

"Really?" I heard an excited voice from behind one of the doors. It was somewhat tinny, above-medium-pitched and could easily belong to a balding plump middle-aged man with an unnatural affection for sweets. "What is it?"

"Your very own human!" Cerinx laughed and shoved me in front of him.

"Oh goodie!" The door opened.

An elcor walked out of it.

"I like humans so much!" He said happily with his eyes shining. "They're so funny when you tell them what the batarian noodles are actually made of!"

The two laughed, while I stood dumbstruck. Firstly, an elcor who can speak normally? Secondly, batarian noodles? Thirdly, I barely passed through the door and the two were already cracking jokes at my expense?

"Okay, see you two later. Get acquainted, Josh. Oopa is very nice, just as you requested." The turian walked out and the door closed behind him, leaving me one on one with this Mako rover of a roommate.

"Uh, hi?" I shifted my weight uneasily. I expected my roommate to be at least humanoid, but I never expected to live with an elcor. Oopa indeed seemed like a nice person, and he could talk with intonation, so this didn't look half bad. Still, I couldn't muster my own voice.

"Hello, hello," he said warmly. "You're wondering how I can talk with emotions, right?"

"Uh, yeah, among other things."

"I was implanted with a voice box." Oopa raised his front appendage and pointed at what was probably his throat. I saw a little line of brighter hide. They probably had to cut him open with an industrial laser. "And I was also tutored on how others perceive and convey shades of meaning." He dropped his arm (or leg?) and said merrily. "Now that this is out of the way, how about lunch? Your room is on the left, drop your things and come to the kitchen, I've already got something cooking."

He strode back through the door. He was much nimbler than the elcor I've seen on the Citadel. Probably got tutored on that too. Maybe the tutorial involved a treadmill too.

My room was as huge as I expected it would be. I guess, this apartment was built for big guys like Oopa. I put my backpack down beside the bed, happy to be finally rid of it. My back was sweaty and I felt pretty gross after the ride here. The bed was tempting, but I had been offered hospitality, so I'd better not keep the host waiting.

Oopa was stirring something in a big pot when I came in. The scent was hot, moisty, a bit salty, and reminded me of imported seawater.

"Is that some kind of algae?" I asked him, taking my place behind the table. It was also high, but the stools were adjustable, much like in cafes all over Citadel.

"Yep! You humans probably eat that, right? If not, don't worry, I've also got some other stuff." He put the lid down and moved on to a pan on the same stove. "Like roasted nuts, you should like them. Or maybe a salad? I'm not sure what's in it, but I think it's not poisonous. Oh dear." He sighed. "It would be a pity if you died from dextro-amino-poisoning."

"Why do you even have dextro-amino cuisine? You're an elcor, a levo-DNA, right?"

He stood up on his hind legs and poured greenish hot water out of the pot and into the sink. "I usually invite friends over, and some of them are dextro." He put a plate in front of me and plopped a green lump of boiled algae. "Try some, tell me if you like it." He also put some in his own plate and then placed two other big plates, one with colorful pieces of different vegetables, the other with nuts resembling cashews. Then he gave me two chopsticks. I guess I can't blame him, at least he has chopsticks and not some mass-effect anti-gravity cryo-trident. I kid you not, I have seen somebody selling this in a kitchen appliance extranet store.

I carefully grabbed a piece of green goop with the sticks and blew on it to cool it off.

"Would you like a cryo-trident?" Oopa asked.

"No, thank you, the chopsticks will do nicely." I made a mental note to be careful about what I wish for.

The algae strips felt gross, but tasted okay enough. As I suspected, they were salty and chewy, some bits even released juice with a crunch. At least I hoped it was juice and not residue seawater. Not the tastiest dish I've eaten, but not the most disgusting either. I ate a few more pieces, and then decided to try the nuts. They were very crunchy and bitter, which complemented the seaweed well. "This goes together nicely, and the nuts are roasted perfectly. Are you a chef?"

He giggled like a schoolgirl. "No, but it's been my hobby since I was little. Thank you, though. Try the salad, while I get a medkit."

"Reassuring." I aimed and picked something that didn't look too alien. It was just a piece of very terran radish! "Hey, that's human food! I'm not going to die today! I think."

Eventually I identified salarian cucumbers, that were a delicacy back home. They weren't particularly tasty, but they were rare. I wondered where Oopa got them, and why he put them into a bachelor's trademark "whatever I found in the fridge" salad. I didn't question the decision openly, though. We finished off the nuts and the salad pretty fast, but the huge pot of algae was beyond my capabilities. "That's okay," the roomie said. "I will make something for dinner out of it."

"Will you invite your friends over?" I wasn't particularly thrilled about meeting so many people so fast, but since Oopa fed me for free (I assume), it was his right to call the shots.

"Yes, I think, if you don't object. I think they'd be glad to meet you," he said. "Though it's okay if you don't want me to."

"No, it's fine. If I get tired of being social, I'll just go to my room and won't get in your way. Thanks for the meal, too. That was some good grub, especially the salad."

"I actually didn't like it," he said, lowering his head. "I think I'll look for human vegetables specifically next time, the radishes were nice."

"Do you want me to go shopping with you?" It was a spur of the moment idea, but I kinda meant it. "I could tell you about what we humans eat, and some other species enjoy our food too."

"Good idea," Oopa said. "I'd appreciate it."

Cerinx was right, after all. This elcor was the nicest guy I've met so far. I instantly wanted to do something nice for him in return to his hospitality. "Don't be afraid to ask questions," the overseer said, huh? All right, here goes one.

"You don't seem like the other elcor. You're, you know, faster and stuff. How come?"

"Oh, that's because I wasn't born on Dekuuna. I'm a colony boy, and I didn't have to watch my every step." He took a strange-looking thing, not unlike a large toothpick, and began cleaning his mouth flaps. "How about you? Tell me about yourself."

"Well." I hesitated. I wasn't sure what he wanted to hear, so I decided to give him the basics. "My name's Joshua, I was born and raised on the Citadel, my father is rich, but I make my own living, I'm here to meet different people and learn to live among different cultures."

"Commendable." Oopa replied. "Well, then. My name is Oopa, I was born and raised on a colony, the name of which is probably unknown to you, my people elected me to go to this university for pretty much the same reasons as you. They want me to become a representative, which is pretty important on the frontier that is not yet self-sustainable."

"Commendable," I said with a smile.

After that, we just discussed small matters that had to do with immediate concerns of me as a newcomer, such as where to get food and household supplies, where to ask questions, what unwritten rules there were in the dorm, and such, nothing I wouldn't forget in a few hours. We did the dishes together (there were two separate sinks) and then I decided to relax a little bit and take a much-needed shower.

It wasn't much trouble, the bathroom layout was pretty standard, if incredibly well-stocked, with, maybe, an exception of having a few specialties for exotic races, such as tentacle lotion for hanar. I put them into a separate drawer, which took more time than I thought it would.

There were two options: I could either relax and see what the terminal in my room had to offer, or I could go for a walk like the badass biotic asari supervisor suggested and probably look like an idiot harassing everyone. I wasn't too social, so I could probably spend a week without talking to people at all and feel just fine. Still, I needed friends in the long run, and Oopa's niceness would get old quick. I was looking forward to seeing his friends, though. This could be interesting.

I unpacked and shoved my stuff all around. The enormous wardrobe looked pretty empty even with all of my clothing in it. It looked kind of depressing. My attention turned to the terminal instead. It was just a regular civilian terminal with regular civilian functions, but it was all I needed. My ExtraGaming account was waiting for me to log in and set a few of my favourite games to download. Today's evening was going to be a fun one.

I linked my smart-comm to the terminal and plopped down onto the bed. It was time to relax and chat someone up. I double-tapped a little bud behind my right ear, thus activating my sound plugs. Salarian-asari electronic music filled my head. A cyan blue holographic ensemble projected out of my right hand, forming a keyboard and a screen. With a tap I extended the keyboard to full size instead of its one-handed mode.

Sure enough, Cerinx was already added to my contact list. Integrated Social Extranetwork was probably better at spying than the salarian Special Task Group.

And his username was _a1phavarren_. Figures.

I found father instead.

HomeBoy: Hi

Arnold Hyss: hey, sup?

HomeBoy: I arrived

HomeBoy: The room is huge

HomeBoy: My roommate is an elcor

Arnold Hyss: whoa

HomeBoy: yeah

Arnold Hyss: I hear there's a town near your uni, get a better hand and an omi-tool

HomeBoy: Oh yeah?

HomeBoy: I can't afford that

Arnold Hyss: now you can

Arnold Hyss: I wanna see some pics

Arnold Hyss: that's the only reason I will send you money

Arnold Hyss: for my own ulterior motives

HomeBoy: coughvoluscough

Arnold Hyss: get a job you lazy bastard

HomeBoy: But I just got here!

Arnold Hyss: I arrived to citadel twenty two years ago and bought a condo in a week

Arnold Hyss: so stop being a little bitch and make your old man proud

I folded the hologram and laughed. That was motivating. Father never minced words. Sure enough, I was immediately notified of instantaneously becoming ten thousand credits richer. Quite enough to get a new aug-hand too.

HomeBoy: I'll look into it

Arnold Hyss: you'd better

Arnold Hyss: meeting

Arnold Hyss: later

So he took time to talk to me during a business meeting? Aww.

HomeBoy: hey

a1phavarren: heyy

HomeBoy: How do I get a job?

a1phavarren : but you just got here

HomeBoy: ikr?

a1phavarren: well the studying isnt too hard since making yall miserable with tons of work isnt our objective

a1phavarren: just freelance

a1phavarren: jobs are boring

HomeBoy: I need money

a1phavarren: hmmm hang on

I folded it again and decided to finally get dressed. As tempting as it was to remain in my undies, not everyone liked the sight of human skin, acne and body hair. I was reasonably athletic, and I wasn't too shy to show my body off, but Wanderlust wasn't that kind of place.

a1phavarren: so i asked around

a1phavarren: there is a number of jobs on campus

a1phavarren: hours are reasonable, pay is okay

a1phavarren: they are only available since next month to give you time to adjust

a1phavarren: dont worry wbout credits

a1phavarren: on campus grub is good and free

a1phavarren: and if youre ever tight on money and need it for something there are social services here so chill

a1phavarren: or hell just borrow from me

HomeBoy: Thanks, C

HomeBoy: I'll look into it later, then

a1phavarren: yea dont mention it

The Citadel maintains a comfortable and cool temperature in all of the Wards, so you get to wear all kinds of elaborate coats and jackets and not get gross and sweaty. Wanderlust was now very hot, since it was summertime here, and my Citadel clothing wouldn't do. I was prepared for that, and fished out an Alliance tank top that was popular with frontier colonists, and mil-spec cargo shorts. A shopping tour tomorrow was absolutely necessary. What I had now looked like something Alpha Varren would wear.

Heh. Alpha Varren. What kind of a douchebag name is that?

"Oopa!" I called into the hallway.

"Yes?"

"Wanna go get some groceries?"

"Sure!"

That was easy.

Oopa's speed impressed me. He was as huge as the other elcor, but his walking speed was comfortable. I walked beside him without any effort to match his stride. It's like he was trained or something. Oh, right, he was.

And this landwhale was cracking terrible jokes. His voice made him sound like a stand-up comedian with a top hat and a moustache. Nothing escaped his attention, not the weird couple of quarians who matched each other's movements exactly ("you'd think the geth never went beyond the Veil, huh?"), not the krogan football match ("hey, sports turned into a bloodbath, now here's cultural appropriation I can approve of"), not even a turian girl hitting on a couple of young humans ("first contact gangbang!") I guess you had to be there and hear it firsthand. It was so bad it was actually funny.

The store was a five-minutes stroll away from the dorm. It was an all-purpose supermarket with all kinds of stuff one might need. It was pretty similar to those on the Citadel. Oopa had enormous bags on either side of him, into which we dumped everything we bought. There were some human fruits and vegetables, some blue meat from a Thessia cattle animal, and some snacks for me, such as chips, salarian soda and frozen pizza.

Great, now I knew how not to starve.

"Hey, I hear there's a town nearby?" I asked as we were walking back. I helped myself to an apple from the pack we bought. The label said they were locally grown, and they really did have some strange dry aftertaste. I disliked it.

"Yeah, there is. It's more of a city, actually. I think you'll like it." He pointed his finger to some building way across the campus. "There's the underground, board a train and go to Adelaide Mall station. The trains go round the clock, and they are also free."

"Cool!"

"Not really. Free public transportation means more taxes, more taxes mean steeper prices. Life on Wanderlust is expensive. Comfortable, safe, but expensive." He scratched his head. "You're gonna have to find a job either here, or in the city."

"Yeah, Cerinx said there were some jobs here," I said, throwing the half-eaten apple into trash.

"Sure, if you like helping around in the cafeteria or spotting krogans in the gym." He fell silent for a second. "Actually, I don't think they'll even let you try. Krogans lift skycars. Humans can't always lift each other. Either way, don't worry about it. There is always something."

"Yeah."

I don't quite care about which job to do. I had had many jobs earlier, both legal and a bit touch-and-go, so I'm pretty sure I can do anything if the pay is adequate. Still, Oopa got me thinking. I was still thinking when he called me to kitchen later that evening.

I helped him a little, teaching him to deal with the human vegetables and fruit. When he found out that human wine is made from grapes, he immediately requested I help him slice them for his "Cold Fusion Salad". He wasn't so enthusiastic when I said that the grapes themselves are non-alcoholic.

Cold Fusion Salad is probably the best thing I have encountered in Wanderlust Uni so far. Basically, you just chop and cut everything you can imagine going well together, then you toss it all into a big bowl, and then you add frozen cubes of some sweet and exquisite asari liquor. When it melts, you have a well-lubricated mystery dish with just a dash of alcoholic bitterness. It actually originated in one of the dorms. Oopa said he picked it up from his last roommate, who graduated last year.

Today's salad was mostly sweet and sour, consisting primarily of human fruit and a little bit of some others, unknown to me. Oopa seemed pleased with the result.

"Hopefully others will like it too." He said, as he put it into the fridge. "That's about it. How does dinner in a couple of hours sound?"

"Sounds awesome. Need help?" My hands were sticky with drying fruit juice.

"No, I got this. I'm going to make l'soo spaghetti, sounds good?"

"Uhhh, is it in any way related to batarian noodles?" I wondered what "l'soo" meant. Probably the poor bastard that chunk of blue meat was taken from.

He laughed. "No, don't worry. The time of batarian noodles hasn't come yet." He turned around. "I'll also have to make something for Xyleen."

"I assume, Xyleen is a turian?"

"Indeed. I think you two will get along. She's such a sweetheart."

Wait, she? Curiouser and curiouser.

I retreated to my room. A pile of snacks on the bed was positively magnetic, but I decided not to spoil the appetite and go to extranet instead. It was painfully obvious that I knew nothing about Wanderlust, while everyone else went out of their way to pick up little bits of intercultural info. Anonymous boards were the obvious answer to my problem.

The thread soon got derailed by some batarian trolls and then sunk with wiping VIs. What little I managed to find out was pretty much the same I already knew from talking to Oopa and Cerinx. That was a waste of time, and the batarian gay porn pics weren't too pleasant to look at either. Guess I'll have to wing it. I was fine with winging in general, but I was afraid I'd do something not very smart, and soon.

Not too long after that I heard the door open and several voices discussing something. I tried to eavesdrop, but Oopa greeted them heartily and they all went silent. He tapped on my door. Looks like everyone was waiting to meet me. I got off my ass and, brushing my hair with my hand, came out to meet the guests.

To find out that they were all female! There was a quarian in a colorful makeshift environmental suit, an asari with geometrical patterns tattooed on her neck and cleavage, a turian in a very terran hoodie and sweatpants, and a short blonde human with a pixie cut.

"Sup." She waved her hand.

"Hey," I replied, shooting a dirty look towards Oopa. He might be nice, but holy hell, even a social oaf like me could see he was a huge fan of practical jokes, general messing with people, and all-around tomfoolery. He squinted and jerked his head at me, which, as I picked up, was his way of purring and looking down.

"Hi there, human." Asari smiled very human-like at me. I like the asari, they are as easy to read as the other humans. Could be because they're psychic, I don't know.

"Hello." This mass-greeting was awkward at best. At least they were pretty. Well, maybe not the turian. I can't see them as attractive when all my legs try to do is run like hell.

The turian looked like the feeling was mutual. She tried to dissolve into her clothing and never met my eyes. She tensed up, shifted her weight onto one of her legs and subtly turned so that the other leg would be facing me. I assume that was their version of social fight or flight, and since turians were apparently incapable of the latter, I felt a tiny bit afraid of her clawed legs. Just a tiny bit.

"Come on, Xy, he seems nice." The asari nudged her.

"H-hellohowyoudoing," she almost whispered, shying away from the asari's hand.

"Uh, I don't mean to make you uncomfortable. I can go if you want." That seemed like a nice thing to say.

"She'll get used to you, hold your damn horsepower." The quarian's voice was surprisingly rough, like she smoked at least two packs a day, which is ridiculous, since quarians can't smoke. "I'm Veera'Nata vas Amanecer, you?"

"Josh." I studied her body language, something I was doing automatically at this point, since every new alien I met was not only extremely curious, but also a miscommunication of disastrous magnitude waiting to happen. And the damn quarian gave nothing away! She just stood there, unmoving, only her chest rising and falling as she took deep breaths. I could see it as hostility, unease, or courtesy. I knew I needed to research that!

"The cute one is Ann," she said, nodding at the blonde. "The blue one is Nifty." An unusual name for an asari. "The jumpy one is Pussy Destroyer." What?

"Veera, enough," Pussy Destroyer moaned. I'm not sure, but I think I saw Veera smirking behind her cloudy purple mask.

"Then learn to introduce yourself to people, damn it!" Veera seemed like the badass of the group. Or the asshole. Depends on who you ask, I guess.

"My name is not Pussy Destroyer, human." The turian looked at somewhere around my chest.

"What is it, then?" I tried to be as gentle and apologetic as I could, but I'm not sure she picked it up.

"It's, uh..." She dropped her eyes again. Her side-jaws shuddered a little.

Nifty took pity on her. "She's Xyleen Vivari, Josh. And it's nice to meet you."

"Yeah, likewise." I looked at the group. So awkward.

"So what are we waiting for? Let's eat! I brought some delish packets, and I want them now." Veera strode directly to the kitchen. Nifty gave me an amused/apologetic look and followed her.

"So, Josh, huh?" Ann crossed her arms and looked up in my face. She must have been not higher than a hundred and fifty centimeters. "There aren't that many humans here." She offered me her hand, a familiar and therefore comfortable gesture.

"So I've noticed." We shook hands. So far she seemed like the most normal of all. "Be frank with me. Is Oopa trying to set me up with a girl?"

"No-o-o-o, of course not!" she drew slowly with wide eyes and raised eyebrows. "Why would you ever think that of sweet and adorable Oopa? He's merely inviting his friends over. Without any agenda at all. Nope! No angles here!" A corner of her mouth rose.

"Uh-huh." I raised my brow.

"The first time we met he tried to set me up with this amazing volus gent." She shrugged. "So you have no right to complain."

"I'm not."

She seemed not to dislike me. I hoped I hadn't come across as a total douche. We joined the others at the table. Oopa looked quite pleased with himself, if his squint and merry humming meant anything of the sort. Veera was already poking some plastic bag with a straw. Xyleen was given a roasted bird on a skewer and a can of water. The rest of us Oopa plopped a plateful of blueish meat sauce with pasta.

"No way!" Nifty beamed. "You know how to cook l'soo!?"

Oopa just squinted at her. She got to work immediately, without even waiting for the others to pick up their utensils. I was presented with chopsticks again. That trident thing started to sound more and more welcoming.

Nifty had something like a fork, but worn on two fingers like a silver knuckle. I asked the host to give me that, and the eating process became much less painful.

"Oh, you eat with that too? Nifty thing, isn't it?" She noticed me struggling with it. "Just balance it between your fingers, don't move your whole hand!" She said the second part through a mouthful of meat sauce. So much for asari elegance.

Xy was hesitant at first, but as the bird's smell reached her nose, she finally got out of her shell and picked the skewer up.

Have you seen a turian eat something big? Like, bigger than a slice of pizza? That roasted bird was comparable to an average human arm, wrist to elbow, being gutted and all. Xyleen lifted her head vertically, opened her mouth like I've never seen a turian open theirs, and just slid the damn thing inside her throat, her side-jaws helping with the packing. In a matter of three to four seconds, the entire dextro chicken travelled into Xyleen's insides. She plucked the skewer out and put it down on the plate very carefully.

Remind me to never ever ever french a turian. Fucking hell.

L'soo was very tasty though. I guess? I've never really tried alien cuisine, mostly sticking to home cooked meals and human cafes. I had nothing to compare it to. It was good, both spicy and sweet, with chewy bits of blue meat. Still, there was no way of telling whether it was a properly cooked l'soo or just meh l'soo. Nifty seemed to like it, indulging herself on a second portion by the time I was halfway done with my first.

"Damn it!" an amplified voice said. Veera threw her straw onto the table in what seemed like furious desperation. It was hard to tell, with that mask. I don't know how a simple straw can malfunction, but it seemed like she managed to break it anyway.

"Would you like another straw?" Oopa asked.

"It's called an emergency induction port. And yes, I would like another one," she replied.

I wouldn't be surprised if Oopa's major was hotel service. I swear, if I had a valet's garment, E-sized, I would put it right on him and he would totally rock it. E is for "elephant", of course.

Xy had no intention of speaking up. She was content with sitting there and just looking at people. I was surprised when I felt some kind of... Interest? She could easily rip me in two, given enough training, all turians could, but... I don't know. The way she carried herself was not so predatory. I wasn't attracted to her the way I was to the other guests, mind you, but there was this strange curiosity. I felt that if I proved myself she would be a good friend, even if there was a bunch of skeletons in her closet.

I mean, Ann looked _normal_ , like a person I could just ask "heyyy, how's it hanging, sis?" and she'd be like "yo yo yo what up my man Big J?" and we could just laugh at how silly it was and have a normal conversation about the weather or the teacher being a bitch or, I don't know, something or other or the third. Nifty was simple, which wasn't something I thought I'd ever call an asari. Even her tats didn't look so elaborate anymore. I was pretty sure she was a couple hundred years old, but asari usually age very well. She felt like a person I could wake in the middle of the night, tell her I wanted blueberries, and she would be like "oh, blueberries, nifty things, eh?" and we'd just go and find them, getting into some minor trouble along the way, all in good fun. Veera, well, I don't know, I guess she had charm? I've never really talked to somebody who just spoke their mind. Everyone on the Citadel had some angle, and there wasn't really anyone I could trust, besides my dad. Veera, being a complete asshat, was somebody you could simply ask how your hair looked and she'd honestly tell you that you looked like shit, without interrupting her reading. For some reason I figured that she liked to read.

Or so I thought. That was only my first impression.

"So, Xyleen?"

She gave a start, as if I prodded her with a taser. "Huh?"

"Uh, you, uh, wanna chat, or, uh, something? I'd like to get to know you?" It really sounded like a question, even though I didn't mean that at all.

"I, uh." She pulled away slightly. "Don't know? What, uh, um?.."

She fell silent and dropped her eyes. The side-jaws twitched. Her arms fell down like ropes. It felt like human arm-crossing, only turians used that gesture with a very different meaning. What she just did made me back off a little.

"Don't mind Xy, she'll come around eventually, just keep reminding her that you actually know she exists," Veera said monotonously, as if she'd practiced that line for weeks. "Look, why don't you-"

Beep?

I brought up my smart-comm and saw the notification: all downloads on my terminal were complete.

"Is that-" Xyleen was suddenly all over me. "Is that Aftermath 314? You play that?"

"Yeah, I love it," I answered, not quite still realizing she was actually talking to me. "I play as an infiltrator, Lancer\Carnifex, level 23."

"Cabal, 29, Derrain\Carnifex." She purred. "Oh my, I thought nobody liked that game!"

"What's not to love? I heard it's based on some ancient vidya from Earth. The pace is mad fast." Holy shit, did I just say "mad fast"? L'soo seems to have deteriorated my brain cells.

"Quake, yeah. I think." How and why does she even know that?

"We totally should play. I think you're already in my contacts, so how about I'll just write you tonight and we partner up?" I offered and she raised her snout so high into the air that I thought there was another dextro chicken around.

"The objective is simple, soldier," she said, crossing her arms.

"Sell your life to the highest damn bidder!" I slapped the table with my hand, thus empowering the undying quote from General Elleri.

Is it always that easy making friends?

"Well, that happened," Veera went back to sucking on her packets.

"See, I knew they'd get along." Oopa squinted.


End file.
